Friday, January 27, 2006

Stopped Time Theory

One of the interesting aspects of life is following the passage of time. I don't know if you're like me, but I struggle to stay on top of the current date. Yes, I'm that bad. I often don't know what date it is. Then, when I find out, I'm shocked. "The 25th! It can't be the 25th! It was just the 12th!" Has that ever happened to you?

After conducting an intensive one-person study over a matter of days, the consumed staff has determined that people do suffer from a phenomenon we call "Stopped Time Theory." People afflicted with this debilitating problem struggle acutely with keeping up with the natural progression of time. They are bound to an unrealistic optimism in which time, for multi-day periods, apparently stops. Sufferers of the disorder commonly discover their symptoms at key points in life, including, but not limited to, bill payment periods, family birthdays, relational anniversaries, paper due dates, and the like. Here's a good way to determine whether you suffer from "STT," as some call it. Have you ever showed up for class, found out you had a test that period, and thought, "That's impossible! It's not the 29th! Isn't it, like, the 4th?" Or, have you ever looked at a bill on, say, the 25th, saw it was due on the 2nd, and calculated the distance between the two dates as much larger than it was? "Oh, I've got like two weeks to pay that. No sweat." If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may well suffer from STT.

The bad news about STT is that if you suffer from it, you are an idiot. You have little hope for a cure besides regular injections of good old common sense, available in large quantities from people you've historically ignored, including, but not limited, your mother, grandmother, teachers, aunts, uncles, older siblings, and all other adults. You will likely have to accept a drastic treatment plan which will include extended sessions with a planner/day-timer/Palm Pilot. These sessions will drain you, but they will also cure you. Then, you will put STT behind you. At least, that's what many survivors say. I said it once, but I can't remember when. Then again, time does pass so quickly, doesn't it?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good morning!

As I write this it is Jan. 30, '06, and about 7:10 am. You have less than 48 hours of January left. After January comes February.



4:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And let's see, you have ten months and four days until your dear mother's birthday! Hmm, let's see if this reminder works for my dear
sst challenged son.

6:05 AM  

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